I've had all day to try to figure this out...

Why am I grounded? I'm like... 18 now right? Pretty sure I can do wtf ever I want. But not with my mother. Oh, no sir. She's old fashioned. She'll tell me what the fuck to do and I say Yes, Ma'am. And don't question it.

Utter bogus boogie bull shit.

Apparently I'm grounded because I had friends over? Michelle and Joe dropped me off. It was storming really bad outside. So I said they could come inside until it calmed down. Larissa got there. She was staying the night. Her boyfriend needed to talk to her so I welcomed him inside. The went into my messy room and sat on the edge of the bed to talk. Work things out.

Mom came home early and freaked out. Apparently michelle and joe were sitting inappropriately. And the fact that Larissa and her boyfriend were in my room.. even though the door was open. And they were clearly just sitting there.

So I apparently disrespected my mother and our house. And she told me I wasn't going anywhere this weekend.

Mom woke me up the next morning and asked for 20 dollars that she had given me the day before. She gave me 30 dollars for the beach Saturday. Well day to the beach was canceled. And I have the money to Michelle for gas money. Because she drove me all over the place. To petal to pick up Larissa. Etc.

Told mom I spent it. She freaked out. Went into my purse, into my wallet and took out the remaining 10 dollars. Told me to start on my room because I was going to spend the entire weekend cleaning it.

I finished cleaning it at like 2 pm. Today.

Larissa left a lil after 3. I took a nap after doodling. Woke up around like 6. Took a shower. Cooked some food and came back to my room. Haven't spoken all day.



So I'm apparently a bad child. I mean, I don't go out drinking. I don't do drugs. I don't go screw every guy I can get to. I go out and have innocent fun with my friends. Considering I have a little bit of time left before I have to tell them goodbye.

Mom can't be proud that she'll finally have the daughter she always wanted. One that'll go to school and become something successful.

No. I have to be perfect. I have to be the respectable child. I can't do anything wrong. I can't slip up.

I can't make mistakes.
I can't be me.

Fuck this. Take your fucking meds. Please for the love of us all.

I typed out a letter for her. Telling her how I felt. Because ever since I was a child that's all I could do. Was write her letters. Because I couldn't have the balls to tell her face to face without breaking down and crying. It obviously didn't move her. Or make any sense when I asked if I could fucking act my age. I said Please. Most people respond to politeness.




http://i226.photobucket.com/albums/dd109/mvss302/treblebassheart.jpg

This is the tattoo I'm thinking of getting next weekend. I was thinking about getting my zodiac sign as my first tattoo. But I want to draw that out myself, make it more graphic.


I hate being here. I hate being alone.

The Scrapin' the coast trip was suppose to be a lot of things.
I went with Tony and I was so excited.
Turns out.. we can only deal with each other via text message.

When we're face to face.. it becomes confusing and stupid.
I tore up Mikalah's cellphone with messages wondering what the hell I did to deserve being ignored.
She would just say "I told you so. He's an asshole. Corey and I don't have anything to do with him anymore."
It was nice of him to pay for everything while we were down there. But I wish he would have realized
"Hey, that's right. We're down here TOGETHER."

First 4, 5 odd hours since we got there, i was sitting under the Car club tent. I had wanted to walk around with Tony and look at cars with him. So he could explain stuff to me and what not. But when we had gotten there, he ran off by himself. So I was pretty pissed off.
Mikalah and Corey got there later on and she said "Just passed Tony. He was upset he hadn't seen you in 3 hours."
"Been right here the whole  time."

He sure as hell paid attention to me when I was hanging out with Aaron. One of the car club member's younger cousin.
He's like 16.  We were swimming at the condo. We were just horsing around. Splashing each other and tackling each other.
Obvious Tony was jealous. So he pulled me aside in the pool and told me he was sorry for ignoring me and that I would be all of his attention
at the drag strip later that night. Said he wasn't even going to race. So it would be just me and him.

Got out oft he pool and went upstairs.  Everyone was getting ready to go to hooters. The people Tony and I were staying with had taken me back to the house so I could change clothes. I was only wearing a bathing suit and a skirt. So most of the car club ate at Hooters, rest of us couldn't get a table so we went and ate Chinese. Since I stepped outside at Hooters, Tony didn't say anything to me. Didn't even look at me. So I sat down on the curb and put in my headphones.  Left for Chinese. He paid for me.. even though I knew I wouldn't be able to eat. I had been feeling sick.  We were divided into two separate tables. I assumed Tony would come sit next to me. No. He sat at the other table. Ok. Didn't say shit to me the rest of the night pretty much.  Didn't go to the track, they weren't letting anyone else in. Too many people.

Went back to the house. Played spades. They drank Crown and Coke. I didn't. Couldn't stomach it. This guy staying there that I knew from High School was drunk. Got a little too touchy feely when he was teaching me Spades.  Tony said later that night he wasn't going to sleep. So I told him if he wasn't going to sleep, then no one would sleep on the pull out couch with me, since we were sharing it. Because I definitely didn't want the drunk from before to sleep on it. Woke up a good hour or so later with someone cuddled next to me. Turned to see it was the drunk guy from before.

So I was pissed, Went to the back room to see Tony lying on a mattress on the floor and one of the girls we were staying with, lying on the bed. They were just talking and stuff. Told me just to go sleep in the other room. Whatever. Finally got up and went back into the living room to see drunk man had got up and went into his rightful room.
i stood there for a bit then just went to sleep.

Whatever. Everyone woke up the next day. Drunk guy from night before and Tony were saying shit. I didn't know what it was about but it was surely pissing me off. I went ahead and told one of the car club members who was also staying there, that someone was bound to get hit. He laughed. I think he was annoyed too. Tony talks a lot of shit.

Next day we had to go to the Condo where Tony left his truck. His clutch was messed up. I wanted to go to the show. Other's had to go back to the house to get something they forgot. So drunk guy from night before was going to ride with Tony. But I ended up riding with him since I wanted to go ahead to the show.

Tony was pissed. Of course. I was pissing everyone off. Got there, found Mikalah and Corey and walked around with them Jess wanted me to take pictures inside. So I took her camera. Aaron followed. Aaron and I would horse around for majority of the day. Mikalah and Corey left. I hung out with Aaron. Went back inside to see Tony was sitting in there with the girls we were staying with.

I felt really weird about it. I wanted to hang out with Tony, but Aaron was like "Hey let's go"
Aaron likes me.. but he's a kid, you know. I mean, he's real cool and easy to talk to, but most of the stuff he did was to make Tony jealous. He kept talking about it. So i just wanted to sit there and talk to Tony.  But we all got up anyway, awards were about to be announced.

Went back to the tent

Chad, one of the car club members made 3rd place in Best of Show. He was soo excited. First time he ever entered.
After it was all over, Tony asked if Barret could take me home, Aaron's cousin. Since he apparently lives a mile away from me. Tony didn't think his truck would make it, because of the clutch. So I said, okay, that's fine. Didn't say good bye. Didn't get a hug. Or anything.
Ok.

So I rode back with Barret and Aaron.

I texted Tony
"Thanks for the weekend."
"Sorry if it sucked."
"It's cool. I wasn't feeling too good, so I had a pissy attitude."

he texted me back later. Something like

"Oh yeah, by the way, I was just told that you told everyone the only reason you came down here with me was because it was a free trip. That's fucked up."
"What the hell. I didn't say that."
"That's what I heard."
"Ok, If you think that I only came down here because it was a free fucking trip then please. Please by God tell me why I have been tearing myself up. Why I felt like I did something wrong. Why I felt like shit because you wouldn't look at me or talk to me. If you want to believe I didn't come down here to be with you, then you think that. Go for it." "Add up what I owe you, and I'll pay you back."

All he replied with was "No need to pay me back."
Nothing since.

I just laughed. All I could do is laugh. I should have known bullshit like that would have happened.
Whatever. Now we both know that it wouldn't work out.

I just think it would be good for everyone there if I didn't go. Everyone would have enjoyed themselves more.
But I had fun either way.


Orientation is coming up. Yes please.
I'm done.
 

These fucking singing subway commercials are driving me up the damned wall.

I am 18. Well it's my birthday now. But in all actuality and technicality, I turn 18 at 11:40 something p.m of the 16th.
But yeah. Me being 18 right now, is good enough.

It's so hot in this house...

Florida was nice.
But I learned a lot of things, that I'm sure I would have loved being ignorant towards.
Shit from over two years ago. Apparently you grew balls over those two years to actually
finally tell me. Because god only knows what I would have done to you if you told me back then.

She said it in laughter, thinking I would blow it off. That she screwed me over...
That in a time I needed her most, she stabbed me in the back.
And fucked him. Quite a few times.
Smooth, cuz, real smooth.
Still love you tho.
Want a skittle? It's sour.

That's something I don't think I'll let go for a while.

Hanging out with them again was great, meeting Avery. She's really cool. Meeting Teresa's husband Eric was cool, he cooks the best food.
Lost about 4 pounds while there. It was great.

Going to put my car in my name tomorrow.
I think that about covers my plans. Signing up for orientation. Also tomorrow.
So..
Well... expecting major gift from my uncle for graduation and birthday.
So hopefully. new phone plan.. and birthday plans?
Tony said he wanted to hang out if he gets off work early.

Haappy Birthday me :]

Mom felt bad because she didn't want A-Kon to be a birthday present.
I told her it was so she wouldn't have to worry about it.
But we'll go out to eat at the end of the month.
Trip to Florida was a gift from Lindsey.
My twin sister, 8 years my senior... who is in Iraq.
It's terrifying.
The "what if" game comes to play..

I'm just ready to drive. And go do things.
Being dependent on others.. not a fan.




night. or morning.

Im in florida.
can i stay here forever?
pleeeease?

I wish I could offer this to Ren as a break. Just come down here with me and hang out.

Went to the Butterfly museum exhibit. Lots of pictures of pretty butterflies.
Also went to the Natural History Museum aaaaand the Art Museum.
We were rushed sooo it was hard to take it all in.

Meeting Avery was fun. She's sooo little and so full of cute. Lisa and her are great together. And it's great to hang out with Lisa again, too.
I didn't realize how much I missed Maggie until I saw her.

Graduation was SUCK. Over 400 damned people. UGH.
My sleeping habits are fucking up. as usual.
I'm always exhausted and tired.
I haven't been at a point where I feel completely rested, no matter how much sleep I get.
I wake up near 7 to 8 in the morning and toss and turn til 11.

I come back Sunday. Get there Monday. So it's only a little bit longer.
Then it'll be my birthday. tuesday.
I just want to see my friends and have a good time.

This has been a good break away from everyone. Something different for a change.
But I do miss people.
My dogs.
My hamster.
My remaining cat Boss. and stray cat Higeki.

Lisa is cooking breakfast. Ima eat then might go for a lap in the pool.
This place is off the chain.

Watched the Digimon movie last night. For the first time since I was little.
Never cared for the card games but the shows were bitching.
Had an argument with anthony over pokemon vs. digimon.
it was stimulating.

well ima go eat.
<3