we'll make a better day . . . tomorrow; NEVERSURRENDER.

Travel to the Moon

2009-10-25T21:42:10Z

Completed Nana in over a day.
A sense of Nostalgia hit me.
It made me cry.
It made me angry.
It made me laugh.

It was something that just really hit close to home for me. I had known OF Nana a few years back, but never paid it too much mind.
While looking for my next anime on myanimelist.net I came across it, and gave it a try.
Falling instantly in love with it.

Now I need to read the manga.. for it goes further than the anime.
I watched the first few minutes of the movie, which I will finish later.

I need to go write a paper and study for japanese test.

I went out last night with Candi, Sungene, Kara? Karen?, and the other Katie.
We went to Ricks, and then to Cowbells.
I actually had a lot of fun.
When we were at Ricks,(where the bartender was HOT as Fuck asian) A poor drunk soul asked me to dance.
It was funny as hell.
Him and his friends followed us to Cowbells.
He left not to much longer after that.

Cowbells is huge. Hot ass asian bartender there too.

roses_kurushii @ 2009-10-17T11:15:00

2009-10-17T16:25:10Z

Some friends and I went swimming near a pier. I was swimming on my back, laughing. I couldn't hear my friends' screams. I finally noticed something was wrong. I sat up to turn to my left. The front of a large ship was only a foot or two away from me. It was coming closer.
I tried to swim out of the way. My leg scraped across it. I could feel it. I could feel my heart squeeze. I could feel the fear I held.

Some how the ship began to tilt and crash into the serene waters. And several ships were caught in it's domino effect.

Ever remember being under water trying to come up, but there was something in the way. Like a float or something? It was like that. But giant vessels. Sinking, crashing. Drowning.

I saw a light amidst the darkness and tried so hard to swim towards it.
I guess I died.

I woke up and my chest hurt.
It felt so real.

raaaaaaaaaaaaaant

2009-10-16T00:59:06Z

I'm in the library. Stalling. Listening to Nell.
I love how I can just put Nell on shuffle and listen to them forever.
I always feel so much better.

I hope Renny feels better. And she shouldn't fret about grades because I love her and we'll make it all work out :]

I have a compare/contrast paper due tomorrow. I'm dreading on writing. FML. forreal.
I'm able to bull shit papers so easily because I can make them personal.
This one, will require me researching shit.
And I'm so lazy.

Thank god the library is open until 1:45 am. Or I would never get anything accomplished.

I watched Kurozuka in one night. 12, 30 min episodes.
It was something I just found on a whim of looking through a list of animes.
It is sooo bitching. And very weird.
I loved it.

I got caught up in the anime Darker than BLACK.
I'm on ep 11 now.
Wow look at my social life.
The only social part is Markree and I going to work out.
Besides that, I go to school, do my work, and watch anime.
Yummy.

I'm about to go to the chow hall AKA Marketplace at Perry.
Yay.

Then study crazy hard for jap test.
i would love an A.
So would my grade in that class.

Redid math quiz today. Made a 95.
Brought my grade up like a point and a half or something.
So even though I fixed all of my homeworks and did my homework for next week in advance,
I have like an 81.3 or something.
>:[

RAWR.

kbye.

roses_kurushii @ 2009-10-11T14:39:00

2009-10-11T19:45:00Z

Your sin is your only existence.

Finished Pandora Hearts last night. Omg I loved it. Wish there was more to the ending... It seemed rather rushed. And on the last episode it was showing a preview for another episode????????????????? Because I mean.. It couldn't have been the end.. There was still too much to explain. :/
I dunno.
I fucking loved it though.

I WANNA BE CHESHIRE FOR AKON. >:/

His whole story just makes me crrrrrrryyyyyy.
Renny needs to finish.

I got sooo excited whenever Bloody Rabbit would play because it meant that B.Rabbit was gonna kick some ASS.

I'm gonna look into the ones she says she was watching. Karas looks badass....
Whats the other one? Ghostory?

God I'm soo excited. I love a good dramatic anime.. With mystery.. darkness. RAWR.

Cheshire T______T <33333333333333333333333333

/out

Mama said knock you OUT

2009-10-07T03:12:20Z

So I got in another one of my moods. But it's over now. I'm still contemplative.
I still over-analyze.
Do they have a medication called "STFU."
I need some of that D;

Why do I constantly question why I do things and who I am.
It gets annoying after a while.
And I'm sure I annoy the hell out of certain people when I talk to them about it.

Wow. I annoy myself. That's kinda sad isn't it?
How do I change that....?
Hmm..

I'm glad I'm back at school. I had a good break. I had fun with some friends even though this weekend didn't go as well as planned..and some shit happened.

Larissa Kevin and I hung out Saturday night, like old old times. It was great.
Guy I have been seeing since july and I broke up. It really sucked at first because it felt like it would work. Like he was actually someone I could see myself with.. but that was naive.
We're in two separate worlds. And it was great while it lasted. But hello. I'm at college. Long-term relationships are pointless lmao. Especially long-distance.
He's a great guy and I know that after a while of awkwardness, we'll be friends.

Upside! Noww I can talk to the guys I've been eyeing ;D
And that one really really hot chick.. even though I think she's straight.
I will talk to them >:[

GOD. I freakin love this place!!!
All distractions are done with. I'm ready to get my head back in the game.

MIYAVI CONCERT SOOOOOOOON. Well.. not sooon. BUT it's coming up!!

Well at least I'm not ugly :]

2009-09-28T02:18:34Z

Just got back from a nice weekend home. Have so much to do this week for school before fall break.
I have a paper to write tonight, which I am about to work on. A vocab quiz to study for Japanese for tomorrow. I have that kinship chart and paper to do for Anthropology.
Totally flunked the exam but I did really really good on the Japanese test. I'm gonna bring up all my grades and work harder.
Class attendance for Anthropology is... suck. Pretty much screwed it up in the long run. How many days have I missed so far? 4? I can only miss one more now. Which will be this Friday. FML. If I can't miss this Friday's then I'll figure something out.

Mom and I have plans for this weekend. Going to the movies and hanging out. Spending a lot of time together. I miss her a lot and I hate that she's alone. She's working really hard on her master's degree classes.

Get Kaz that money I owe her this weekend so then she may not be pissed at me anymore. Lol I wouldn't blame her for holding a grudge, but whateverz. Plan out next trip more strategically. Money-wise.

Our dorm has a piano so I brought my books. I can continue practicing. Which makes me super happy.

358/2 DAYS COMES OUT TOMORROW. I'm sooo happy I was able to get a game of my own like this. It's exciting. I know I'm gonna wanna be play it when I get it. But School comes first.

Get that ps2 cord from Mishi this weekend so I can pick up on Xenosaga. I remember being stuck. and broke. looking for monies. LOL as Jr. on Gainun's ship.

Pandorum was such a bitchin movie. Saw it this weekend. It was sooo awesome. I loved it so much. REN NEEDS TO SEE IT?
I wanna take my mom to see it this weekend. I wonder if Ren would like to come with us? Bring her mommy?
THEY NEED TO GET TOGETHER SOME TIME!
But Mom's been busting her ass between her work and her master's degree. So we'll figure something out.

LINDSEY COMES HOME IN NOVEMBER. One more month before I see that crazy bitch sister of mine. I miss her crazy.
Leslie still isn't talking to me. Mom's making up excuses. She feels bad. But it's okay. If Leslie wants to act like a high-and-mighty queen, she's more than welcome. But she isn't acting like that towards me. I'm not dealing with her superiority complex. I'm not some kid. I'm her sister. She needs to learn how to act like it.

Uhhhhmmm... I can't think of anything else to post about. I feel the need to listen to some DBSK...

Ok. quit stalling. PAPER >:0
RAWR.

Blah blah blah

2009-09-14T03:05:55Z

I can't say things aren't going bad.
That would be an utter lie.
I love this school.
I love my friends here. All of them.
I have Andrea in majority of my classes and Markree and I hang out basically everyday.
Mandy, my roommate is really cool. We get along real well.
I've met some really nice girls in my dorm. some are crazy and funny some are really sweet.

I've been sick lately and have fallen into another "self pity" mood.
One day I'll have grown out of my emotional irrationality.
I'd like that day to be tomorrow.

I hate going through these emotional spins... not knowing what to think or feel.
I want to be strong.
But I guess that'll take time...
Something I really don't have any patience toward.
I hate how I've been lately. I can't explain it. But change needs to happen.
I do so many things to please people.. I'm always worried about what people think of me.
I need to work on that a bit.. hmm.. I need to learn how to CTFO. when i don't know whats goin on I become paranoid.
That needs to be worked on.

I get home sick really easy. It's harder than I thought.

I miss sitting in Larissa's room, playing cards for hours on end, watching independent films and eating our weight in chocolate, talking about everything in the world. Talking about the past. Laughing our hearts out. We're like two old souls together.

Mikalah would come get me, in her bagged s10. We would spend the whole night talking. Nothing but talking. Corey would join in. We would get prettied up and go out to Lobby. Meet all of our friends there. I miss those nights, too.

I skipped my boy Dustin's (dustin blada) birthday party last time I was home because of a shitty emotional spin I was in. I owe him big time. Offered to take him to a dinner and a movie. He's the coolest guy I've ever known. We talk about everything. He's so crazy. He's the best guy friend a girl could ask for.

I miss my mom. and my dogs. and even the cat. I miss my couch. I miss us waking up early to watch movies on the TCM channel.

But... I'm glad I'm here. I owe a lot to Renny for pushin me to this. I really need it. I need to do this. For me. I'm here for a good damned reason. And I'll be home soon enough.

KH DS game is comin out soon... But i need a new DS. Mine fried like a bitttch.
RAWR. Get paid tomorrow maybe?

Money makes things better. Some things.
Buy myself a new personality?

roses_kurushii @ 2009-08-14T22:10:00

2009-08-15T03:42:12Z

A few days til classes start.... I have so many that span out on different days.
Ren comes in just a few days.

My roommate Lauren never showed so Mandy came. She's an anime/yaoi fan and we have a lot in common.
She's 4'11", blonde, blue eyed.
Real cool.

She's just stayin here til they move her to Herbert, the ROTC dorms. She's in the airforce. Or going into it.
She also wants to be a vet. Tryin to figure that out. The girls across my room and next to it are really nice.
Jordan, Bridgette..? aaand Jordan haha

Really nice. Jordan and Bridgette are rushing and say its been complicated and a lot of work.
Sounds like it.
I don't care much for the whole sorority thing.

I'm so tired :/ and have a slight headache.

Markree moved in today I believe. We're meeting up tomorrow at the Union for brunch.
Waiting on Rennnnny-hime.
It'll be sooo much fun.

Dad texted me the other day.. All he said was "Tell your mother I'm quitting my job. I'm making 100 a week and I can't live off of that"
all i said back was "It doesnt go to mom. It goes to me."
He didnt say anything back.
I felt bad about the child support.. until he bad mouthed my mother and threw me into a guilt trip over it.

I didnt get to see Larissa before I left.. But it didn't feel like goodbye.. I mean, I know I'll see her soon. I'll just be farther from reach.
Mikalah cried for a while. I'm her best friend.. and I'm leaving. I told her I'm only a phone call away. And I'll be back every now and then.
She said it wasn't the same as just coming down the street to pick me up.
She was upset because she had been working so much.

Maggie called me and needed to talk about her dad. We both have sorry fathers so it was easy to talk to her about. To understand. So she said. His girlfriend was sayin shit about her and basically told her to leave. And what not.
So I just said, it's good she went back home to someone who could support her. Physically and emotionally. Her mother is the sweetest and most loving woman I've met. Besides my own. It's good for her to be with someone who cares so much for her. To help her.

...I still have problems with forgiving her for what she did... But I'll get over it. It was 2 years ago..

Friday around 245am, the day before I was leaving for MSU, Tommy messaged me online and asked if I was home. I said yes and he asked if I wanted to go for a walk.
He was staying with his mom who lived down the road.
Mikalah told me earlier his fiance walked out on him.. leaving him in debt for the wedding.

I was nervous about it.. We havent really.. talked since back then. So I met him down the road and we talked til near 4:30. About everything. What we've been up to. and what not. It was good to see him again. And to actually talk again. We were really good friends before and while we dated.
I went back to the house, we would be getting up soon to get ready. He texted me and said he was sorry for what he had done to me those years ago. That he had been wanting to apologize to me. He said he wished he could take it all back. And I said I was sorry too. How I was incredibly insecure and overreacted.. So many people were talking back and forth.. and what not. But we had great times and I didn't regret it.
He asked if he could have a goodbye kiss.
And that really threw me off..
It's been too long since we've talked.. and as great as it was.. It would make me too uncomfortable.
I told him no.
He was like "Well I will ask for a goodbye hug, gosh darnit."
Heard my dogs barking.. And I went outside, he was at the edge of my yard and we met up and we hugged for a few good minutes. He picked me up and held me for a bit.
His last text had said "I feel this is the last time I'll ever see you"
I told him I would be back.
He said he meant.. for him. That he had been trying to go back home.
To texas.
Had nothing left keeping him here.

We've texted a bit since then. He's been drinking a lot.. and it's weird I'm sure. He still works with his ex. I hope he'll be okay.

Rennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnehhhhh. :0
hurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry :/

roses_kurushii @ 2009-08-06T09:40:00

2009-08-06T15:14:43Z

I move in Saturday.. and I'm terrified actually. Excited. But terrified.
Move in with someone I dont know for two weeks.
Next week I'm in Starkville ..by myself.

Renny-hime comes home on the 17th, the first day of school.
We'll be dorming with another student until the 21st when we can exchange roommates.

I got A huge mushroom chair and a shelf and this iron cube set you stack together.
Sexy black towels with sexy pink washclothes.

Oh yeah. I cut my hair. Besides my bangs, everything is gonnnne.
it actually looks decent.

Uhmm... I got a lot of packing to do.. After this movie, Ima get to it.
Wish I had biscuits and gravy
and orange juice.

roses_kurushii @ 2009-07-27T14:34:00

2009-07-27T19:58:40Z

Counting down the days... not much left.
o__o almost none at all.

I move in on the 8th.. get things set up for Renny and me. Make it semi-pretty til Ren comes and fixes it ;@
I want one of those dorms like they have on the commercials WHERE EVERYTHING MATCHES.
Not gonna happen right now but that would so be bitching.

I've been stalling on paper.. But I'm writing it tonight. It's due on the 31st. I work better under the "last minute" pressure.
...And we're suppose to read this book called A Painted House. .. or something like that.

>_> hasssss Renny read it?? If she hasn't I would feel better about it.
BETTER NOT HAVE READ IT.
Make me feel like a jackass.
jk.
I need to go buy it.

It won't hit me until I arrive on campus. Til I drive up. And enter the campus again. It won't hit me until then.
When I walk into my first class with so many new people.
When I stay up late working on papers...
It's scary thinking about it. But an exciting scary..

I'll come back on weekends... But can I handle it?
As much as I would like to be in denial about it, I am a mama's girl.
I stayed a week and a half in Florida.. and missed her some kind of terrible.

But I know I can do this. I know it'll be hard.. but it's the nice kick in the pants that I need.

I'm just scared something will go terribly wrong and keep me from this.
I will of course miss my friends and my family but I think I need this.
I need a taste of reality. It will either be sweet or sour.
But it will help me grow up. It'll help me see things.

My sleeping has been fkd. When I want to go to sleep.. It takes me 30 min to an hour to fall asleep.
I can't just hit the bed and pass out in a few moments.
Then I wake up constantly and have weird dreams that I can actually remember.
Ehhh.. hopefully I can fix that before school.
Hmm...

I've been getting better, drawing wise. Proportion wise. And it's getting me excited.
:D

Apparently

2009-07-18T00:12:50Z

I've had all day to try to figure this out...

Why am I grounded? I'm like... 18 now right? Pretty sure I can do wtf ever I want. But not with my mother. Oh, no sir. She's old fashioned. She'll tell me what the fuck to do and I say Yes, Ma'am. And don't question it.

Utter bogus boogie bull shit.

Apparently I'm grounded because I had friends over? Michelle and Joe dropped me off. It was storming really bad outside. So I said they could come inside until it calmed down. Larissa got there. She was staying the night. Her boyfriend needed to talk to her so I welcomed him inside. The went into my messy room and sat on the edge of the bed to talk. Work things out.

Mom came home early and freaked out. Apparently michelle and joe were sitting inappropriately. And the fact that Larissa and her boyfriend were in my room.. even though the door was open. And they were clearly just sitting there.

So I apparently disrespected my mother and our house. And she told me I wasn't going anywhere this weekend.

Mom woke me up the next morning and asked for 20 dollars that she had given me the day before. She gave me 30 dollars for the beach Saturday. Well day to the beach was canceled. And I have the money to Michelle for gas money. Because she drove me all over the place. To petal to pick up Larissa. Etc.

Told mom I spent it. She freaked out. Went into my purse, into my wallet and took out the remaining 10 dollars. Told me to start on my room because I was going to spend the entire weekend cleaning it.

I finished cleaning it at like 2 pm. Today.

Larissa left a lil after 3. I took a nap after doodling. Woke up around like 6. Took a shower. Cooked some food and came back to my room. Haven't spoken all day.

So I'm apparently a bad child. I mean, I don't go out drinking. I don't do drugs. I don't go screw every guy I can get to. I go out and have innocent fun with my friends. Considering I have a little bit of time left before I have to tell them goodbye.

Mom can't be proud that she'll finally have the daughter she always wanted. One that'll go to school and become something successful.

No. I have to be perfect. I have to be the respectable child. I can't do anything wrong. I can't slip up.

I can't make mistakes.
I can't be me.

Fuck this. Take your fucking meds. Please for the love of us all.

I typed out a letter for her. Telling her how I felt. Because ever since I was a child that's all I could do. Was write her letters. Because I couldn't have the balls to tell her face to face without breaking down and crying. It obviously didn't move her. Or make any sense when I asked if I could fucking act my age. I said Please. Most people respond to politeness.

http://i226.photobucket.com/albums/dd109/mvss302/treblebassheart.jpg

This is the tattoo I'm thinking of getting next weekend. I was thinking about getting my zodiac sign as my first tattoo. But I want to draw that out myself, make it more graphic.

I hate being here. I hate being alone.

Nice try.

2009-06-23T16:11:55Z

The Scrapin' the coast trip was suppose to be a lot of things.
I went with Tony and I was so excited.
Turns out.. we can only deal with each other via text message.

When we're face to face.. it becomes confusing and stupid.
I tore up Mikalah's cellphone with messages wondering what the hell I did to deserve being ignored.
She would just say "I told you so. He's an asshole. Corey and I don't have anything to do with him anymore."
It was nice of him to pay for everything while we were down there. But I wish he would have realized
"Hey, that's right. We're down here TOGETHER."

First 4, 5 odd hours since we got there, i was sitting under the Car club tent. I had wanted to walk around with Tony and look at cars with him. So he could explain stuff to me and what not. But when we had gotten there, he ran off by himself. So I was pretty pissed off.
Mikalah and Corey got there later on and she said "Just passed Tony. He was upset he hadn't seen you in 3 hours."
"Been right here the whole time."

He sure as hell paid attention to me when I was hanging out with Aaron. One of the car club member's younger cousin.
He's like 16. We were swimming at the condo. We were just horsing around. Splashing each other and tackling each other.
Obvious Tony was jealous. So he pulled me aside in the pool and told me he was sorry for ignoring me and that I would be all of his attention
at the drag strip later that night. Said he wasn't even going to race. So it would be just me and him.

Got out oft he pool and went upstairs. Everyone was getting ready to go to hooters. The people Tony and I were staying with had taken me back to the house so I could change clothes. I was only wearing a bathing suit and a skirt. So most of the car club ate at Hooters, rest of us couldn't get a table so we went and ate Chinese. Since I stepped outside at Hooters, Tony didn't say anything to me. Didn't even look at me. So I sat down on the curb and put in my headphones. Left for Chinese. He paid for me.. even though I knew I wouldn't be able to eat. I had been feeling sick. We were divided into two separate tables. I assumed Tony would come sit next to me. No. He sat at the other table. Ok. Didn't say shit to me the rest of the night pretty much. Didn't go to the track, they weren't letting anyone else in. Too many people.

Went back to the house. Played spades. They drank Crown and Coke. I didn't. Couldn't stomach it. This guy staying there that I knew from High School was drunk. Got a little too touchy feely when he was teaching me Spades. Tony said later that night he wasn't going to sleep. So I told him if he wasn't going to sleep, then no one would sleep on the pull out couch with me, since we were sharing it. Because I definitely didn't want the drunk from before to sleep on it. Woke up a good hour or so later with someone cuddled next to me. Turned to see it was the drunk guy from before.

So I was pissed, Went to the back room to see Tony lying on a mattress on the floor and one of the girls we were staying with, lying on the bed. They were just talking and stuff. Told me just to go sleep in the other room. Whatever. Finally got up and went back into the living room to see drunk man had got up and went into his rightful room.
i stood there for a bit then just went to sleep.

Whatever. Everyone woke up the next day. Drunk guy from night before and Tony were saying shit. I didn't know what it was about but it was surely pissing me off. I went ahead and told one of the car club members who was also staying there, that someone was bound to get hit. He laughed. I think he was annoyed too. Tony talks a lot of shit.

Next day we had to go to the Condo where Tony left his truck. His clutch was messed up. I wanted to go to the show. Other's had to go back to the house to get something they forgot. So drunk guy from night before was going to ride with Tony. But I ended up riding with him since I wanted to go ahead to the show.

Tony was pissed. Of course. I was pissing everyone off. Got there, found Mikalah and Corey and walked around with them Jess wanted me to take pictures inside. So I took her camera. Aaron followed. Aaron and I would horse around for majority of the day. Mikalah and Corey left. I hung out with Aaron. Went back inside to see Tony was sitting in there with the girls we were staying with.

I felt really weird about it. I wanted to hang out with Tony, but Aaron was like "Hey let's go"
Aaron likes me.. but he's a kid, you know. I mean, he's real cool and easy to talk to, but most of the stuff he did was to make Tony jealous. He kept talking about it. So i just wanted to sit there and talk to Tony. But we all got up anyway, awards were about to be announced.

Went back to the tent

Chad, one of the car club members made 3rd place in Best of Show. He was soo excited. First time he ever entered.
After it was all over, Tony asked if Barret could take me home, Aaron's cousin. Since he apparently lives a mile away from me. Tony didn't think his truck would make it, because of the clutch. So I said, okay, that's fine. Didn't say good bye. Didn't get a hug. Or anything.
Ok.

So I rode back with Barret and Aaron.

I texted Tony
"Thanks for the weekend."
"Sorry if it sucked."
"It's cool. I wasn't feeling too good, so I had a pissy attitude."

he texted me back later. Something like

"Oh yeah, by the way, I was just told that you told everyone the only reason you came down here with me was because it was a free trip. That's fucked up."
"What the hell. I didn't say that."
"That's what I heard."
"Ok, If you think that I only came down here because it was a free fucking trip then please. Please by God tell me why I have been tearing myself up. Why I felt like I did something wrong. Why I felt like shit because you wouldn't look at me or talk to me. If you want to believe I didn't come down here to be with you, then you think that. Go for it." "Add up what I owe you, and I'll pay you back."

All he replied with was "No need to pay me back."
Nothing since.

I just laughed. All I could do is laugh. I should have known bullshit like that would have happened.
Whatever. Now we both know that it wouldn't work out.

I just think it would be good for everyone there if I didn't go. Everyone would have enjoyed themselves more.
But I had fun either way.

Orientation is coming up. Yes please.
I'm done.

Oh aren't you just a Bucket of Precious.

2009-06-16T05:43:21Z

These fucking singing subway commercials are driving me up the damned wall.

I am 18. Well it's my birthday now. But in all actuality and technicality, I turn 18 at 11:40 something p.m of the 16th.
But yeah. Me being 18 right now, is good enough.

It's so hot in this house...

Florida was nice.
But I learned a lot of things, that I'm sure I would have loved being ignorant towards.
Shit from over two years ago. Apparently you grew balls over those two years to actually
finally tell me. Because god only knows what I would have done to you if you told me back then.

She said it in laughter, thinking I would blow it off. That she screwed me over...
That in a time I needed her most, she stabbed me in the back.
And fucked him. Quite a few times.
Smooth, cuz, real smooth.
Still love you tho.
Want a skittle? It's sour.

That's something I don't think I'll let go for a while.

Hanging out with them again was great, meeting Avery. She's really cool. Meeting Teresa's husband Eric was cool, he cooks the best food.
Lost about 4 pounds while there. It was great.

Going to put my car in my name tomorrow.
I think that about covers my plans. Signing up for orientation. Also tomorrow.
So..
Well... expecting major gift from my uncle for graduation and birthday.
So hopefully. new phone plan.. and birthday plans?
Tony said he wanted to hang out if he gets off work early.

Haappy Birthday me :]

Mom felt bad because she didn't want A-Kon to be a birthday present.
I told her it was so she wouldn't have to worry about it.
But we'll go out to eat at the end of the month.
Trip to Florida was a gift from Lindsey.
My twin sister, 8 years my senior... who is in Iraq.
It's terrifying.
The "what if" game comes to play..

I'm just ready to drive. And go do things.
Being dependent on others.. not a fan.

night. or morning.

roses_kurushii @ 2009-06-09T08:03:00

2009-06-09T15:12:20Z

Im in florida.
can i stay here forever?
pleeeease?

I wish I could offer this to Ren as a break. Just come down here with me and hang out.

Went to the Butterfly museum exhibit. Lots of pictures of pretty butterflies.
Also went to the Natural History Museum aaaaand the Art Museum.
We were rushed sooo it was hard to take it all in.

Meeting Avery was fun. She's sooo little and so full of cute. Lisa and her are great together. And it's great to hang out with Lisa again, too.
I didn't realize how much I missed Maggie until I saw her.

Graduation was SUCK. Over 400 damned people. UGH.
My sleeping habits are fucking up. as usual.
I'm always exhausted and tired.
I haven't been at a point where I feel completely rested, no matter how much sleep I get.
I wake up near 7 to 8 in the morning and toss and turn til 11.

I come back Sunday. Get there Monday. So it's only a little bit longer.
Then it'll be my birthday. tuesday.
I just want to see my friends and have a good time.

This has been a good break away from everyone. Something different for a change.
But I do miss people.
My dogs.
My hamster.
My remaining cat Boss. and stray cat Higeki.

Lisa is cooking breakfast. Ima eat then might go for a lap in the pool.
This place is off the chain.

Watched the Digimon movie last night. For the first time since I was little.
Never cared for the card games but the shows were bitching.
Had an argument with anthony over pokemon vs. digimon.
it was stimulating.

well ima go eat.
<3

roses_kurushii @ 2009-06-02T23:48:00

2009-06-03T05:05:57Z

First time I cried over a damned song in a while...
That "Where'd you go" song by Fort Minor.
It just came on the radio today as we were driving to Lowe's. And as soon as the vocals came in, tears started to fall.

I had been talking to my sister. God I miss her so much. She leaves Monday for Iraq. She's going to be gone for so long. I don't know what I'm going to do. She's one of my best friends. Shes only been gone for a bit over a month now. But it's already felt like an eternity. I'm suppose to wait for her. Wait a year.. or more. But it makes her happy. So if it make her happy, I should be happy, shouldn't I?

Talked to Maggie today. She talked to Joe. Who, in turn, talked to Mishi. Mishi told Joe, To tell Maggie, to tell Me that I was a Jerk.
? okay? Why the hell do I care? How am I a jerk?
Apparently I've been ignoring her?
She has to give me some means to ignore her. like talk to me.

A-kon was great. It was soo much fun. Thank you for inviting me to go Renny. It was something I'll never forget.

Tony and I have been talking. As of today we've had a serious conversation... but I'm not going into that craziness. I don't want to go into that.. I wouldn't know what to say.

I leave tomorrow for Florida. For a while... I'm so nervous right now I want to throw up. I feel like I am. I don't know why I'm getting so emotional. It's a damned bus ride. I can sleep through most of it. Being on my own, terrifies me. Going it alone. Terrifies me. I'm sorry if it's a burden for some or most. I'm sorry if my dependence on others.. is too much. If I am annoying. But if I am left alone...

Good night.
See you guys soon enough.

forever. for. ever. this time. for some other, all time I will miss you.

roses_kurushii @ 2009-05-27T01:37:00

2009-05-27T06:39:39Z

still in awe of my layout done by the lovely Rennyhime - playing_suicide -

Akon in Dallas coming up with Ren, Kaz, and Kaz's bro.
Florida after that.
My birthday after that.
I just want something from the heart.

I'm still thinking of what I want my first tattoo to be of. I want it to be of a deep meaning. Something truly special and personal. I won't get one until I figure that out. Probably sketch one out... something.. beautifully obscure.

so tired.
nite

devil may cry.

2009-05-25T19:17:02Z

Sleeepiness. Play SO4 until near 2:30am without realizing it. I'm exhausted.
I feel the need to write. I want to, but I have nooo clue what to write about. I'll come back later.
Busy week ahead.
me.

Boys are back in town

2009-05-19T03:27:14Z

im sick of my bullshit wallowing.

i'm done with it.

:]

i have a life to live.

And I need to get on it. I have so much to do.

I have a lot of people supporting me.

Sometimes.. I just feel overwhelmed and I have trouble deciphering my feelings.

Though my stomach hurts, I feel better.
I'm exhausted and dire for some gaming right now.

Mountain dew would be bitching right now.

T Minus two days.

2009-05-18T05:20:56Z

I leave so much room in my mind for doubt. Optimism dies a little every time I open my eyes. Weekends to escape reality. Reality falling in every sunday. Wake up and realize that life is shit. Independence is something I crave more than anything. A chance for escape. To run when things go bad. Something I never had before. Never had that luxury. On every end of the road someone has something to say. I slip up. Make a mistake. Stood up to every one of them. Isn't there honor in that? Dignity? Head held high? I live for my loved ones. Saying I'd die for them... means nothing. Anyone can say that. Saying that they mean the world to me.. means nothing. Saying that I couldn't live without them. Though it is all true and something I hold to the most importance. Something that words couldn't explain. People can't understand. No one could because they aren't in my mind. They don't breath the same air. Think the same thoughts. Feel the same as me.

One word out of my mouth. Pleases one person. Upsets an other. Pisses off another. Every fucking decision I make.

I'm sorry if I appear self-centered to you. I'm sorry if I make you feel like I don't think about you. I don't pay attention to you. I don't care for you. It sucks you can't notice that I do. It sucks how blind you are. The reason I may seem so self-centered.. It may be due to the fact that if I don't mention myself, if I don't talk about myself, think about myself. Who the hell will.
One moment, I'm with everyone laughing, joking, smiling. Turn around. No one's there.

I'm sick of making everyone happy. I'm sick of giving my all as best I can. I'm exhausted. I'm so tired.

Is it wrong to feel this way? How the hell could it be? I'm human. I have needs. I make mistakes. I try to fix them.

Let me define friendship for everyone in this fucking place. It's give and take. It's love. It's understanding. It's compassionate and sympathetic. It's help. It's having someone's back. It's giving advice. It's trust. It's honesty. It's forgiveness. It's hope. It's faith. It's your life. It's.. so much I couldn't explain. I feel weak and vulnerable when I'm not with my friends. I feel dead. I fear to hurt someone. To make someone cry. To be the cause of pain.

Growing up how I did. I took my friendships so close to heart. I'm not as strong as I like to show. I am an emotional wreck. I am easy to upset. I am easy to cry. I am a hypocrite. I know it. I try to change and fail. I like to hear myself talk. Talking down about others makes me feel powerful. Does it make me like myself? Of course it doesnt. I feel so complex. I can't define or explain anything. I can't fully relenquish my feelings. I am a teenager.

I'm sick of coming home. Sitting on the couch. Watching my daily dramas. Typing out my frustrations and confusions. Wanting something to numb my thoughts. Feeling alone.

Even at this point... When I feel so drained. When I feel so used and walked over. Ignored. Unappreciated. I wouldn't ever tell them to their face. I would bite my lip. I would swallow it, let it build up. Explode via keyboard. Sleep. Wake up. Regret feeling that way.and continue on from there.

I loathe confrontation. God... I'm such a fucking pussy. I need to go to bed.

p.s. Do they make a medication for this?
...I hope it's over the counter.

blah

2009-05-16T07:29:05Z

Wtf. why do i feel sooo emo. >_> not emo as in WAH, RAZOR. but emotional. like. Deeeeeep thoughts. Shit. I'm watching SuperJail most random excuse for violence and transgenders.

Angels and Demons ruled. all.

saturday school tomorrow.

not suppse to sleep but... yeah :/
most likely gonna happen.

Car show!

Two days left in school. I'm gone.
So close. To being gone.

Cross one count down off my list, begin another:
my real life.

Must sleep now. I detest large P.C. blogging paragraphs.

Sleep.

quick rant.

2009-05-06T00:57:18Z

Why the hell do I care what these people think. Their opinion of me won't matter in the years to come. We will most likely lose touch anyway.

I gave you a month of breathing. Over a month. Away from me. And you're still exactly where you were before. You are so fucking oblivious. If I had the means, I would do stuff for you. Everything you've done for me, I'd do back 10 fold. Saying that, apparently doesn't mean dip shit. If you were the one who didn't have the vehicle and had offered to cook me dinner, I would gladly take you out for ice cream. Does that seem unreasonable? lmfao. Just a little cone from McDonald's.

I think it's cute how you think you're always right. Whatever.

What's the point of being my friend if you could careless about what I want. Does that sound selfish?

And of course, I'm not speaking about an ice cream cone. Because you're too lazy to drive out there. Then why the hell come over? We can't go get my laptop that's at your house. Because you don't want to drive back. I have to wait til tomorrow. You come over to do what. Say "I'm hungry," I offer to give you food of mine. The only food I have at the moment that I find edible. But no.

We used to go out so much. On weeknights. Even up the street, just for no reason at all. Apparently, we don't do that anymore. I'm sure we would hang out more if I paid for your gas again. Or if I paid for everything we got or did. Or if I was your boyfriend.

Is this selfish? Why the hell do I sometimes feel like I'm married.

I seriously don't care. Let's just end this right here. We'll sit together at lunch. Keep eachother company. And. Leave it there. Just like before. How the hell can you say that you missed me. When nothing has changed.

Maybe if I told you straight up why the hell I stopped hanging out with you it would be different. But I don't think I should have to. You're not my boyfriend. I'm not trying to prove a point by getting back at you in some clever way.

OMG. Let's get some summer up in here. 9 Days.

I have the people I need. Let's keep it there.

Fish sticks, mac n cheese, and mtn dew

2009-04-19T19:57:57Z

I hold you above the water. Countless times I save you from drowning in your own juvenile stupidity. You try to pull me down with you. I just let go. You look at me confused as you fall into nothingness. Maybe when you open your eyes on the other side, you'll realize. I don't live for you.

I'm nervous. It's complicated. Living for the moment isn't cutting the cheese for me. I go out laugh and have fun with friends, crash on the bed near 2 in the morning and wake up remembering how crappy reality is. I'm not running away from it.. at least, I don't feel like I am. Just taking pauses.

Hung out with Larissa friday night. Went to the mall. Went bowling with Will and Paul Saik. Had so much fun. Came up with a game in the car on the way back called "WTF?" Just pretty much scream praise to whatever we see in the night. "whoa.whoa. HANCOCK BANK. WOOOOOO!!!" I'm sure it would actually make sense if we were drunk or senile. But we were just hyper as all be. Got home, ate some food and went to crash. Steven texted me for the first time sense we broke up and was like
"Long time no speak." ....wtf? Why was he texting me?
"No kidding. What's up."
"Nothin, chilling at my apartment. watchin tv. I miss you."
"Oh really?" >_> wtf
"Yes I'm serious"
"Considering you haven't spoken to me since the day we broke up, that's hard to believe"
"Blah Blah Blah, I want you back. Blah blah blah, if you want to be friends thats cool. I said I would always be here waiting for you."

Which is complete bullshit.

"So just pick up where we left off? I've never been too good at that. Let's just be friends."
"So you wanna just be friends?"
"Sure. Spur of the moment. Let's be friends."
"K."

He was texting some kind of crazy so he was most likely drunk. I'm not dealing with that bull again.

Got up the next morning for the dog show. Woke up not as early as I had wished. Andrea, Kaz, and Boozer brought Merlin the cutest sheltie and Gidge the ugliest pekingese. A woman my mom works with brough her daughter and their Peka-Poo Macey who was sooo cute. That was it :] best dog show eva. Hung out. Gave out prizes, thanked everyone for showing up. and wooosh. go home. ate. took showers. mom told me that we're going to go to my cousin Caleb's play at PCS.

Apparently she found out like a week ago about it but told me just yesterday. And because they came to my show, we HAD to go to his. Even though Caleb didn't come to my show. They paid for the tickets. So I was like "what the hell, why not". Larissa would buy a ticket and see it with me.

Hung out at the mall with Austin then went to BAM. Read Post Secret and Steven Colbert's I am America, and so can you!

Ann picked us up. Went to the play. So.... this play. I figured it was like.. 45 min long. You know, based off of a script. Was based off of the ENTIRE MOVIE of Wizard of Oz. They cast from 3rd grade to 12th. They used a real dog for Toto. People turned their backs to the audience. Couldn't understand what half of the people said. They don't have a drama dept. just throw on plays. People had good singing voices.. but I wanted to kill myself and my mother for making me go. 7:30-10:30. Yes. 3 hours with intermission. There was a woman taking pictures. They would turn the lights on backstage to move things when they closed the curtains. Black outs lasted more than a minute. Some times over two. Everyone used ear mics. Some of them wouldn't work. There was "interpretive dancing". Actors would walk around outside and get food and drinks at the concession stand. Dancers would be walking around, taking off shoes and stuff. There were gangsta crows and flying monkeys. Flying monkeys spoke like "Chicka chicka chicka wha". .... I sent my mother death glares. TECH wore dark clothes yes... but there were shirts and dresses. They were introduced in the beginning. Some wore blue jeans. Wicked witch of the west actually did a good job. She's the daughter of some theatre person so she had knowledge of it. Everyone thought it was the cutest thing ever. Adorable

....

Never again. So for what they had. Yeah i guess it was good. It was Kyurt.

Dropped mom off, went to see my sister. Hung out for a bit. Met up with Larissa's brother Justin at waffle house on 49. He paid for our food. Went to drop of Larissa and J, was gonna hang out for a bit but the driveway was too washed out to drive down.

Went back into town. Got my cuzn some checkers. Went home. Crashed.

I was thinking about it last night.

The fact of the matter is.. is that I'm too un-trusting to give out chances anymore. I'm sick of letting a guy try to prove to me that he cares about me. I've given out chances and I've been screwed over too many times. I don't NEED to be with someone. I don't need to be placed under someone's wing. I don't need to be protected. I don't need that form of security. I just want to be with someone who actually isn't a complete jackass. I've given out many opportunities, putting my hopes up thinking "Maybe this guy will actually work."

I'm not looking for "the one." I couldn't handle him if he came along right now. Can we just have fun, enjoy each other's company, be happy and if we don't work out, leave on good terms? Is it that hard to find a guy who respects you enough to tell you the truth. I'm not a child. You don't need to come up with an elaborate explanation. Just tell me how it is. I don't want excuses. I want honesty. Am I someone who is so low in the world that it's impossible to show respect towards me? Apparently. I'm human. I have my pride.

Can we just speed up to where I have my independence?

Is it so wrong to not want to be left alone? To be left behind?

I'm too lazy for spell check.

2009-04-06T02:37:29Z

I gave you the world and you ran with it. For years I catch your tears. When will your hear mine over yours?

Stalled on cleaning my room by watching Style and the life story and upbringing of Destiny Hope "Miley" Cyrus. Interesting. Then Jonas Brothers.
This weekend was fun. A good distraction from reality.

Went out and hung out with Jamis this weekend. Mikalah and Corey were at his mom's, Mama and Sierra were in Poplarville. So it was Jamis, Devon, Tony and me. They came and got me after show and we chilled at their house in purvis. Talked basically. Had a bonfire. Took some crazy awesome pictures, flame tricks. Tony came over after work about 11. We all chilled and acted stupid. Corey and Mikalah came back from the movies and went straight to bed, had to leave for his mom's early in the morning. I crashed before everyone else. Next more, woke up early. Before everyone else. Chilled for a bit. Was sitting out side, looked over to see a hand sitting out mikalah's window, cigarette resting between fingers. I laugh and yell "Mornin'"
Corey jumps forward and was like "HOLY SIdjoaidm. Scared me." ": D"

we talked for a while before he went closed the window and I went inside. Said goodbye to them. Hung out with Jamis and Devon for a while. Tony took forever to wake up. He was still feeling the affects of his prior drunkardness. He was like
"Come here~" Eyes still closed and whispering.
">_> what..?"
"Come here~~~~"
"sigh."
":3"
We cuddled for a bit, he went back to sleep for a few minutes.
Devon and him ran to Hattiesburg for a while. Jamis and I cleaned up the house. They came back. We all took our share of showers and what not. Tony's shoulder was bothering him so I gave him a back rub.

Devon had to go help Jamis' grandpa haul stuff so it was Jamis Tony and I. Before we left for Hattiesburg, Tony sat there on his phone and thinking. Planning our day I guess. He's weird when he's deep in thought. Went by the theatre. He went up to the front and bought tickets, placing them face down in the wrapping of his cigarette pack. Wouldnt tell us what it was.
Ran to meet her grandma, ran all over town looking for a certain type of trim for curtains she was making for Jamis' room.
Went to the movie. I was on the edge of my seat from the beginning. That movie got me so hyped up. Beautiful ass cars, beautiful ass Vin Diesel, hot ass action scenes. BAM! I was freakin ready to GO after the movie. It woke me up big time. I wanted to party. Loud music. Lights. Dancing.

Didn't get close to that actually... Went through some stuff with mom and bout cried in the truck. I was waken up instantly from this perfect weekend. Jamis was upset about her mom who was at her boyfriends in poplarville. Wouldn't let us come pick up Sierra who was wanting to come home. So throughout the day, Jamis and I tried to get Tony to smile because he was either in a mood or in this thinking period for a long time, and now he was trying to make us smile. Or atleast one of us. I sat outside and let the cold air try to calm me down. Devon had come back by then. It was near 9 when him and Jamis left to his dads for a few minutes and pick up his crazy cousin.

Tony and I sat outside and talked for the longest time about cars and stuff. Which made me feel better. So whether he noticed or not, he did help me calm down. He was supposed to leave by 915 for the club meet. Didn't even notice it was 926 when he scaled down the steps and rushed to his truck saying he would be back afterwards. I go back inside lie down on the couch. Not but a few minutes later the gang shows up. We all start hanging out and dancing and just being silly when two more friends joined us. Olivia's friends Justice and K.P. Tony came back after the meet. Hung out and talked til about near 1am. By that time Jamis, Olivia and Justice were passed out. I said good night to the remaining party. Crashed in Mikalah's bed that night and Tony followed in hyper as can be.

"Hey there~"
"Out."
"Why :("
"I'm bout to pass out."
"Hey, can I bother you until you fall asleep?"
">_> why?"
"I'm bored :["
"whatever" crashed on the bed. He followed. My mind was ready to let go and let me sleep, but his antics to "bother me until I sleep" only led me to becoming wide awake again. We talked for a good hour or more before he was about to pass out himself. We talked about so much random stuff that I can't even remember.
I was like
"O Hell no. >/"
"...huh?"
"You freakin wake me up and then go to sleep yourself. You freakin ass I hate your guts."
"Uhn..."
">_> HEY."
"What?"
"Rub my back."
"You gonna rub mine afterwards?"
"No."
"ZzzZzzzzZzZzZzzzz"
"Ass."

Wasn't but a few minutes before I was out myself. Woke up the next morning by the sound of yelling outside. Mama and Sierra had come home. Woke up and argued with tony for a good while.
He starts it off
"Bitch"
"Ass. Why the hell do birds have to be so loud..."
"They're going BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH"
"Ass"
"Bitch"
"They're actually discussing amongst themselves about what a pussy you are."
"Bitch."
Then had some weird slap fight and finally got up.

Bug, the cute lil 11 month old that mikalah and jamis watch was already there. Devon was taking Olivia, Justice, and K.P. home and would come back to take me home. Tony left too. To go fix a transmission somewhere or something. So I got to play with Bug. Can't remember her real name but she is sooo cute. Watched some of August Rush. Devon came back, took me home. Mom was still at church. Took a shower. Chilled. Went to the store to get cleaning supplies for the car. Worked on it from 3 to about 7. Cleaned it up real good. Carpet took awhile to clean, but it's nice. It smells good.

Title is suppose to come in Monday. Getting driving privledges Friday. Not putting hopes on it. Knowing it won't happen.
I think Tony's getting a new tire for me. One of mine like. Died. Or is in process of dying.

So I kind of like him.. He's goofy. Likes cars. Knows what he's talking about when talking about cars. He's sarcastic. Actually has an arumentative side versus many guys I know. A decent one at that.

wow look at that. FandF1 is on >_> what an interesting ko-winky-dink. TIRED.

I wanna drive my freakin car.
p.s.
Vin Diesel is a hot mug.

roses_kurushii @ 2009-04-02T20:32:00

2009-04-03T01:44:20Z

I feel the need to write. I feel like there are things I must say, things I feel I should make known, but I do not know what those words are. I do not know where I would begin or how I would follow. I listen to Bolero over and over. This song is so beautiful. I feel contemplative. I do not know how else to explain it. I'm not happy or excited. I'm not upset or angry. I feel emotional, but I can't place it. Which is what I find frustrating.

Time is going by so fast. Which is where I find joy. Soon, soon, it will be over. I can start over again. Soon.

I need to go out, lie under the stars, let my mind wander as I do often. Today was beautiful, besides the 2 hours of random storm weather.

Sleeping sounds lovely right now.

I guess my emotion for now, how I feel could be described as poetic, philosophical. You know of what I speak? Where you feel content, always thinking. About everything, many things. You feel no stress. You feel no pressure. Just there. Existence.

Let you live, love. Let you be. your best. Let it. sink in. laugh. Laugh away the tears. Do not. show. weakness.

Walk over me when it's convenient for you. Hypocrisy, I thought I was a root of it, but I notice others are not too far off. I'll let my heart suck it all up, like a twister and then lock it away. It's capacity is larger than I thought for I have yet to explode. It's in my blood. We hold it in and smile, not wishing to burden. Can I take much more? If it's in the cards, I suppose we'll see soon enough. I do not have it tough. Others have it worse. For me it is all emotional. Of course I'm sure I would rather prefer physical damage than have to deal with the obscenities and confused anger of my mind. Will it always play for the dramatics?

I always worry about what others think. About if I am upsetting them, offending them. I put their feelings before mine, I'm sure there are those who would not believe me. But I do that. I don't know why. I find it pointless at the end of the day. Making me out to be a bitch, some catch that side of me whether they deserve it or not. I've made mistakes. I have hurt people. People close to me. But at least I realized it. I mourned it. I cried over it and chose a better path. At least I am not oblivious. I deserve some credit. I am human. I do the best I can with what I have. Do not look down on me. You are in the same boat. You are no better. Your secrets are probably darker than mine. If you have a problem with who I am then go complain to your god. The one who created me to be like this. You hate me, hate him. That's what it says in your Word does it not? "If you hate God, you hate his people?" You can't can you? Figured as much. Hypocrite. Go swallow your tongue.

Shit happens.

2009-03-30T06:16:38Z

He takes a sip, wraps his arm around your shoulder. Looks you in the eyes, whispers sweet things into your ear. Says funny things to make you smile. Makes you feel special. Looks at you special. Lies spill out of his slobbering lips that could overpass the speed limit of the interstate. Smooth talker under that smokey facade. He throws a blanket over your self consciousness. Makes you want to be bold. Go for the gold. Happiness. His wallet overflows with napkins covered in phone numbers that belong to other women he made feel the way you feel now. He sits and drinks with his boys boasting about how hot "that bitch" was from earlier that day. While you sit at home wondering what he's thinking about. He grabs another beer, texts you "You are so beautiful." You smile and text back "I love you." His gang cracks up about the stories he tells. About how easy and ignorant you are. They all have their own. That hot "bitch" from before? She's the new lovely lady in that lady killer's life. He waits near two weeks before telling you. You cry your eyes out. Insult your every being. How couldn't you have seen? The girls take care of you. You burn all of the pictures that held his every essence. Few months down the line. Your hair is flawless. Your nails are trim. Your shoes are priceless. Girl, you look hot. You meet up with your girls at the club. Flashing lights, beautiful bodies, music drowning out the laughter. Look at all the gorgeous men. Bodies rubbing against bodies. Colors flighty, skipping across skin. Eyes catch yours. Look at that piece of meat. Oh, wait. Guy looks familiar. Your former. A big grin comes to your face. You spin, flaunt your stuff girl. No one could pick that jaw off the ground. The tart glaring you down. Wow, look at that skank. God girl, shower much? She stomps off after he waves her away. He's coming your way. Now's your chance, girl!! He's looking at YOU! Everything slows down. It's as if time stops. His hand wraps your cheek. He looks down at your lips. You reach up and BAM. Your fist made contact. Good shot, girl friend. He's mortified. Shocked. What the hell? You blow him a kiss. Flip him the birds and walk your way back to the center of the floor room. Damn did that feel good. He can go back to the house and tell his boys about that story. Sure they would laugh their asses off on that one.

God I need to go to bed. School in the morn. Watchin a movie about fighting angels and angry irish men out for revenge. Yeah.. charlie's angels 2. I think I'm over my fit now. Monthly hormonal fit. well. Not over. Over with todays.

Date with the guy, Tony, was... interesting. Played video games. Beat my ass in Halo 2 and Soul Calibur. Boy sucks at air hockey though. He thinks he's all that, but what guy doesn't. He likes to think he can top the conversation so we can sit and argue for like two hours over the same damn thing. I was nervous I guess. Didn't show it. From what he said I was an ass. From before when he said he was interested and we are to hang out, I feel it's quite different. I wasn't giggly to his jokes, I made a remark and he made one back. It was a game. Apparently its not "adorable" to some people. Maybe he should find a giggly girl with less attitude. Well after games went over to mikalah's, hung out with her sister Jamis. Went to Hobby, met up with the car club. Chilled out had fun. Went back to Mikalah's and goofed around. Crashed. Woke up to Jamis' good cooking. Chilled. Tony took Jamis and me back to Hattiesburg. Gave hug. Seperated. Feeling slightly emotional. As happens. Messaged him over the computer. Saying I was sorry for being an ass, but I had fun. He said it was cool. He had fun too. In my opinion, he's too sensitive. About his hat. And his shoes. And wah wah wah. Considering saturday being our date -as he in the first place wanted to call it - should I find it offensive that he would rather talk and goof around with Jamis? I mean yeah they are great friends, but hello. Yeah. Me? Over here, bud. If you would rather I leave, say the magic word. That simple. We'll see.

Wait my emotional typhoon to get done and I'm sure I'll think about this situation completely different. That's why I'm waiting before I do anything.

Rationality. Sanity. Its amazing.

Wow. When I reread this, I'll feel amazingly stupid.