Why the hell do I care what these people think. Their opinion of me won't matter in the years to come. We will most likely lose touch anyway.

I gave you a month of breathing. Over a month. Away from me. And you're still exactly where you were before. You are so fucking oblivious. If I had the means, I would do stuff for you. Everything you've done for me, I'd do back 10 fold. Saying that, apparently doesn't mean dip shit. If you were the one who didn't have the vehicle and had offered to cook me dinner, I would gladly take you out for ice cream. Does that seem unreasonable? lmfao. Just a little cone from McDonald's. 

I think it's cute how you think you're always right. Whatever.

What's the point of being my friend if you could careless about what I want. Does that sound selfish?

And of course, I'm not speaking about an ice cream cone. Because you're too lazy to drive out there. Then why the hell come over? We can't go get my laptop that's at your house. Because you don't want to drive back. I have to wait til tomorrow. You come over to do what. Say  "I'm hungry," I offer to give you food of mine. The only food I have at the moment that I find edible. But no.

We used to go out so much. On weeknights. Even up the street, just for no reason at all. Apparently, we don't do that anymore. I'm sure we would hang out more if I paid for your gas again. Or if I paid for everything we got or did. Or if I was your boyfriend.

Is this selfish? Why the hell do I sometimes feel like I'm married.

I seriously don't care. Let's just end this right here. We'll sit together at lunch. Keep eachother company. And. Leave it there. Just like before. How the hell can you say that you missed me. When nothing has changed.

Maybe if I told you straight up why the hell I stopped hanging out with you it would be different. But I don't think I should have to. You're not my boyfriend. I'm not trying to prove a point by getting back at you in some clever way.


OMG. Let's get some summer up in here. 9 Days.

I have the people I need. Let's keep it there.

I hold you above the water. Countless times I save you from drowning in your own juvenile stupidity. You try to pull me down with you. I just let go. You look at me confused as you fall into nothingness. Maybe when you open your eyes on the other side, you'll realize. I don't live for you.

I'm nervous. It's complicated. Living for the moment isn't cutting the cheese for me. I go out laugh and have fun with friends, crash on the bed near 2 in the morning and wake up remembering how crappy reality is. I'm not running away from it.. at least, I don't feel like I am. Just taking pauses.

Hung out with Larissa friday night. Went to the mall. Went bowling with Will and Paul Saik. Had so much fun. Came up with a game in the car on the way back called "WTF?" Just pretty much scream praise to whatever we see in the night. "whoa.whoa. HANCOCK BANK. WOOOOOO!!!" I'm sure it would actually make sense if we were drunk or senile. But we were just hyper as all be. Got home, ate some food and went to crash. Steven texted me for the first time sense we broke up and was like
"Long time no speak."   ....wtf? Why was he texting me?
"No kidding. What's up."
"Nothin, chilling at my apartment. watchin tv. I miss you."
"Oh really?" >_> wtf
"Yes I'm serious"
"Considering you haven't spoken to me since the day we broke up, that's hard to believe"
"Blah Blah Blah, I want you back. Blah blah blah, if you want to be friends thats cool. I said I would always be here waiting for you."

Which is complete bullshit.

"So just pick up where we left off? I've never been too good at that. Let's just be friends."
"So you wanna just be friends?"
"Sure. Spur of the moment. Let's be friends."
"K."

He was texting some kind of crazy so he was most likely drunk. I'm not dealing with that bull again.

Got up the next morning for the dog show. Woke up not as early as I had wished. Andrea, Kaz, and Boozer brought Merlin the cutest sheltie and Gidge the ugliest pekingese. A woman my mom works with brough her daughter and their Peka-Poo Macey who was sooo cute. That was it :] best dog show eva. Hung out. Gave out prizes, thanked everyone for showing up. and wooosh. go home. ate. took showers. mom told me that we're going to go to my cousin Caleb's play at PCS.

Apparently she found out like a week ago about it but told me just yesterday. And because they came to my show, we HAD to go to his. Even though Caleb didn't come to my show. They paid for the tickets. So I was like "what the hell, why not". Larissa would buy a ticket and see it with me.

Hung out at the mall with Austin then went to BAM. Read Post Secret and Steven Colbert's I am America, and so can you!

Ann picked us up. Went to the play. So.... this play. I figured it was like.. 45 min long. You know, based off of a script. Was based off of the ENTIRE MOVIE of Wizard of Oz. They cast from 3rd grade to 12th. They used a real dog for Toto. People turned their backs to the audience. Couldn't understand what half of the people said. They don't have a drama dept. just throw on plays. People had good singing voices.. but I wanted to kill myself and my mother for making me go. 7:30-10:30. Yes. 3 hours with intermission. There was a woman taking pictures. They would turn the lights on backstage to move things when they closed the curtains. Black outs lasted more than a minute. Some times over two. Everyone used ear mics. Some of them wouldn't work. There was "interpretive dancing". Actors would walk around outside and get food and drinks at the concession stand. Dancers would be walking around, taking off shoes and stuff. There were gangsta crows and flying monkeys. Flying monkeys spoke like "Chicka chicka chicka wha". .... I sent my mother death glares. TECH wore dark clothes yes... but there were shirts and dresses. They were introduced in the beginning. Some wore blue jeans.  Wicked witch of the west actually did a good job. She's the daughter of some theatre person so she had knowledge of it. Everyone thought it was the cutest thing ever. Adorable

....

Never again. So for what they had. Yeah i guess it was good. It was Kyurt.

Dropped mom off, went to see my sister. Hung out for a bit. Met up with Larissa's brother Justin at waffle house on 49. He paid for our food. Went to drop of Larissa and J, was gonna hang out for a bit but the driveway was too washed out to drive down.

Went back into town. Got my cuzn some checkers. Went home. Crashed.

I was thinking about it last night.

The fact of the matter is.. is that I'm too un-trusting to give out chances anymore. I'm sick of letting a guy try to prove to me that he cares about me. I've given out chances and I've been screwed over too many times. I don't NEED to be with someone. I don't need to be placed under someone's wing. I don't need to be protected. I don't need that form of security. I just want to be with someone who actually isn't a complete jackass. I've given out many opportunities, putting my hopes up thinking "Maybe this guy will actually work."

I'm not looking for "the one." I couldn't handle him if he came along right now. Can we just have fun, enjoy each other's company, be happy and if we don't work out, leave on good terms? Is it that hard to find a guy who respects you enough to tell you the truth. I'm not a child. You don't need to come up with an elaborate explanation. Just tell me how it is. I don't want excuses. I want honesty. Am I someone who is so low in the world that it's impossible to show respect towards me? Apparently. I'm human. I have my pride.


Can we just speed up to where I have my independence?

Is it so wrong to not want to be left alone? To be left behind?