I hold you above the water. Countless times I save you from drowning in your own juvenile stupidity. You try to pull me down with you. I just let go. You look at me confused as you fall into nothingness. Maybe when you open your eyes on the other side, you'll realize. I don't live for you.

I'm nervous. It's complicated. Living for the moment isn't cutting the cheese for me. I go out laugh and have fun with friends, crash on the bed near 2 in the morning and wake up remembering how crappy reality is. I'm not running away from it.. at least, I don't feel like I am. Just taking pauses.

Hung out with Larissa friday night. Went to the mall. Went bowling with Will and Paul Saik. Had so much fun. Came up with a game in the car on the way back called "WTF?" Just pretty much scream praise to whatever we see in the night. "whoa.whoa. HANCOCK BANK. WOOOOOO!!!" I'm sure it would actually make sense if we were drunk or senile. But we were just hyper as all be. Got home, ate some food and went to crash. Steven texted me for the first time sense we broke up and was like
"Long time no speak."   ....wtf? Why was he texting me?
"No kidding. What's up."
"Nothin, chilling at my apartment. watchin tv. I miss you."
"Oh really?" >_> wtf
"Yes I'm serious"
"Considering you haven't spoken to me since the day we broke up, that's hard to believe"
"Blah Blah Blah, I want you back. Blah blah blah, if you want to be friends thats cool. I said I would always be here waiting for you."

Which is complete bullshit.

"So just pick up where we left off? I've never been too good at that. Let's just be friends."
"So you wanna just be friends?"
"Sure. Spur of the moment. Let's be friends."
"K."

He was texting some kind of crazy so he was most likely drunk. I'm not dealing with that bull again.

Got up the next morning for the dog show. Woke up not as early as I had wished. Andrea, Kaz, and Boozer brought Merlin the cutest sheltie and Gidge the ugliest pekingese. A woman my mom works with brough her daughter and their Peka-Poo Macey who was sooo cute. That was it :] best dog show eva. Hung out. Gave out prizes, thanked everyone for showing up. and wooosh. go home. ate. took showers. mom told me that we're going to go to my cousin Caleb's play at PCS.

Apparently she found out like a week ago about it but told me just yesterday. And because they came to my show, we HAD to go to his. Even though Caleb didn't come to my show. They paid for the tickets. So I was like "what the hell, why not". Larissa would buy a ticket and see it with me.

Hung out at the mall with Austin then went to BAM. Read Post Secret and Steven Colbert's I am America, and so can you!

Ann picked us up. Went to the play. So.... this play. I figured it was like.. 45 min long. You know, based off of a script. Was based off of the ENTIRE MOVIE of Wizard of Oz. They cast from 3rd grade to 12th. They used a real dog for Toto. People turned their backs to the audience. Couldn't understand what half of the people said. They don't have a drama dept. just throw on plays. People had good singing voices.. but I wanted to kill myself and my mother for making me go. 7:30-10:30. Yes. 3 hours with intermission. There was a woman taking pictures. They would turn the lights on backstage to move things when they closed the curtains. Black outs lasted more than a minute. Some times over two. Everyone used ear mics. Some of them wouldn't work. There was "interpretive dancing". Actors would walk around outside and get food and drinks at the concession stand. Dancers would be walking around, taking off shoes and stuff. There were gangsta crows and flying monkeys. Flying monkeys spoke like "Chicka chicka chicka wha". .... I sent my mother death glares. TECH wore dark clothes yes... but there were shirts and dresses. They were introduced in the beginning. Some wore blue jeans.  Wicked witch of the west actually did a good job. She's the daughter of some theatre person so she had knowledge of it. Everyone thought it was the cutest thing ever. Adorable

....

Never again. So for what they had. Yeah i guess it was good. It was Kyurt.

Dropped mom off, went to see my sister. Hung out for a bit. Met up with Larissa's brother Justin at waffle house on 49. He paid for our food. Went to drop of Larissa and J, was gonna hang out for a bit but the driveway was too washed out to drive down.

Went back into town. Got my cuzn some checkers. Went home. Crashed.

I was thinking about it last night.

The fact of the matter is.. is that I'm too un-trusting to give out chances anymore. I'm sick of letting a guy try to prove to me that he cares about me. I've given out chances and I've been screwed over too many times. I don't NEED to be with someone. I don't need to be placed under someone's wing. I don't need to be protected. I don't need that form of security. I just want to be with someone who actually isn't a complete jackass. I've given out many opportunities, putting my hopes up thinking "Maybe this guy will actually work."

I'm not looking for "the one." I couldn't handle him if he came along right now. Can we just have fun, enjoy each other's company, be happy and if we don't work out, leave on good terms? Is it that hard to find a guy who respects you enough to tell you the truth. I'm not a child. You don't need to come up with an elaborate explanation. Just tell me how it is. I don't want excuses. I want honesty. Am I someone who is so low in the world that it's impossible to show respect towards me? Apparently. I'm human. I have my pride.


Can we just speed up to where I have my independence?

Is it so wrong to not want to be left alone? To be left behind?

I'm in US GOVT again rawr. TGIF.

So yesterday didn't go as well as planned....  The initial plan was for Mishi to stay the night with me so we could hang out at Joe's and watch movies. She told her mom she was going to my house to study chemistry. like hell I could help her with chemistry. Or her help me with math :/ so yeah

around 7 after her and her mom go "AIJWROIJWRAAAAWRYOUPISSMEOFF. K love you," we leave to go get Thomas and then head over to Joes with the Chronicles of Riddick.


We had sooo much fun. I love his mom, she's so funny. So Joe got me this necklace and these earrings. Silver 4 leaf clovers with stones in the middle. They are soooo pretty. But we just horsed around and ate pizza with his little brother. Left about 10, since my curfew was 1030. Joe was gonna go stay at Thomas's, so we go drop them off and head BACK over to Mishi's house because she forgot clothes for school. >_> BIG MISTAKE. At Thomas' her mom calls ME.

OMG Her mother drives me insane. She does not need to be having my number.

She calls me and this is our conversation
"Where are you?"
"I'm in my room, Mishi's in the shower."
"Have y'all been there long?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Have y'all been studying?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"You Promise?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Ugh, okay. Well tell Michelle I'll talk to her tomorrow."
"Okay."
"Okay, night."

>_> Never doing that again. Because of course. Not well thought out plans EXPLODE AND MELT YOUR FACE OFF.

Wait awhile. Drive back to her house. Her mom's still up.
I couldn't type out the conversation if I wanted to.

Her mom pretty much went haywire and shit. All over the place. Her mom got to the point where when mishi was about to take us back to our house after like 30 minutes of yelling that she asked for my mom's number. I told her my mom was asleep. She said that she would call her the next day. I gave her my old house number. She had no business having my mom's number. She never will have business having my mother's number or calling her at eleven at night.

We're driving down gravel pit road and my phone starts blinking. It's her mom. I didnt answer. I didnt want to. She called michelle. They talked and michelle turned around and we went back to her house. Her mom apparently didn't like the idea of me giving her a false number.
I knew she would call her after I told her not to call her tonight. Plus I called my mom before we got back to her house and told her what was going on and that I would be late getting home.

So she told both of us to get in her car and she would drive me home, michelle was grounded for a month, we wouldn't be seeing each other for a while. Lady freaking yelled at me.

NUMBER ONE. I hate yelling. I've never liked it. I never could stand it. I can't stand being in the same room with Mishi and her mom because they yell constantly. They barely ever get along. NUMBER TWO. DO NOT YELL AT ME. I hate it. If I'm being dumb, pop me across the face or in the gut. Don't yell at me. The only person who has right to yell at me is MY mother and she doesn't even yell at me.

So I'm sitting in the backseat listening to her raised voice echo against the inside of the car. I'm near tears and just look out the window. I wouldn't answer anything she said or asked. She was pissed off and disappointed that I would lie to her. Of course, I'm going to lie. Who would I side with? Her mom? Hell no. I didn't want to lie but she put me on the damn spot. Telling her the truth is Mishi's place.

I'm not dealing with her mother for a while. Next chance I get I'm deleting my number from her damn phone.

I got home and went inside, kissed my mother goodnight. It was like 1130pm. I texted Joe and Mishi and went to bed. Woke up around 530 to study for math test and got ready for school.

Tonight I dont really know my plans. Might meet Joe at the mall go watch movies at his mom's. He goes home tomorrow.  I just... AHHHHHHHH. I feel like pulling my hair out. Jesus christ.

Ren we need to hang out talk of college and video game real soon. Over fall break I promised my mom I would clean my room. So what I'm going to do is wake up early friday morning and clean. Clean that whole day til it's spotless. So I'll be free the rest of the time.

RAWR. I have a quiz next block I need to study for. All these kids are talking about a bomb threat going around or something. I wouldn't mind getting out of school early.

So far I'm exempt in US GOVT and World History. Let's see if I will be in Family Dynamics. I doubt I'll be exempt in math. I'm steddily bringing up my grade in there.