So I got in another one of my moods. But it's over now. I'm still contemplative.
I still over-analyze.
Do they have a medication called "STFU."
I need some of that D;

Why do I constantly question why I do things and who I am.
It gets annoying after a while.
And I'm sure I annoy the hell out of certain people when I talk to them about it.

Wow. I annoy myself. That's kinda sad isn't it?
How do I change that....?
Hmm..

I'm glad I'm back at school. I had a good break. I had fun with some friends even though this weekend didn't go as well as planned..and some shit happened.

Larissa Kevin and I hung out Saturday night, like old old times. It was great.
Guy I have been seeing since july and I broke up. It really sucked at first because it felt like it would work. Like he was actually someone I could see myself with.. but that was naive.
We're in two separate worlds. And it was great while it lasted. But hello. I'm at college. Long-term relationships are pointless lmao. Especially long-distance.
He's a great guy and I know that after a while of awkwardness, we'll be friends.

Upside! Noww I can talk to the guys I've been eyeing ;D
And that one really really hot chick.. even though I think she's straight.
I will talk to them >:[

GOD. I freakin love this place!!!
All distractions are done with. I'm ready to get my head back in the game.

MIYAVI CONCERT SOOOOOOOON. Well.. not sooon. BUT it's coming up!!

I can't say things aren't going bad.
That would be an utter lie.
I love this school.
I love my friends here. All of them.
I have Andrea in majority of my classes and Markree and I hang out basically everyday.
Mandy, my roommate is really cool. We get along real well.
I've met some really nice girls in my dorm. some are crazy and funny some are really sweet.

I've been sick lately and have fallen into another "self pity" mood.
One day I'll have grown out of my emotional irrationality.
I'd like that day to be tomorrow.

I hate going through these emotional spins... not knowing what to think or feel.
I want to be strong.
But I guess that'll take time...
Something I really don't have any patience toward.
I hate how I've been lately. I can't explain it. But change needs to happen.
I do so many things to please people.. I'm always worried about what people think of me.
I need to work on that a bit.. hmm.. I need to learn how to CTFO. when i don't know whats goin on I become paranoid.
That needs to be worked on.

I get home sick really easy. It's harder than I thought.

I miss sitting in Larissa's room, playing cards for hours on end, watching independent films and eating our weight in chocolate, talking about everything in the world. Talking about the past. Laughing our hearts out. We're like two old souls together.

Mikalah would come get me, in her bagged s10. We would spend the whole night talking. Nothing but talking. Corey would join in. We would get prettied up and go out to Lobby. Meet all of our friends there. I miss those nights, too.

I skipped my boy Dustin's (dustin blada) birthday party last time I was home because of a shitty emotional spin I was in. I owe him big time. Offered to take him to a dinner and a movie. He's the coolest guy I've ever known. We talk about everything. He's so crazy. He's the best guy friend a girl could ask for.

I miss my mom. and my dogs. and even the cat. I miss my couch. I miss us waking up early to watch movies on the TCM channel.

But... I'm glad I'm here. I owe a lot to Renny for pushin me to this. I really need it. I need to do this. For me. I'm here for a good damned reason. And I'll be home soon enough.

KH DS game is comin out soon... But i need a new DS. Mine fried like a bitttch.
RAWR. Get paid tomorrow maybe?

Money makes things better. Some things.
Buy myself a new personality?

A few days til classes start.... I have so many that span out on different days.
Ren comes in just a few days.

My roommate Lauren never showed so Mandy came. She's an anime/yaoi fan and we have a lot in common.
She's 4'11", blonde, blue eyed.
Real cool.

She's just stayin here til they move her to Herbert, the ROTC dorms. She's in the airforce. Or going into it.
She also wants to be a vet. Tryin to figure that out. The girls across my room and next to it are really nice.
Jordan, Bridgette..? aaand Jordan haha

Really nice. Jordan and Bridgette are rushing and say its been complicated and a lot of work.
Sounds like it.
I don't care much for the whole sorority thing.

I'm so tired :/ and have a slight headache.

Markree moved in today I believe. We're meeting up tomorrow at the Union for brunch.
Waiting on Rennnnny-hime.
It'll be sooo much fun.


Dad texted me the other day.. All he said was "Tell your mother I'm quitting my job. I'm making 100 a week and I can't live off of that"
all i said back was "It doesnt go to mom. It goes to me."
He didnt say anything back.
I felt bad about the child support.. until he bad mouthed my mother and threw me into a guilt trip over it.


I didnt get to see Larissa before I left.. But it didn't feel like goodbye.. I mean, I know I'll see her soon. I'll just be farther from reach.
Mikalah cried for a while. I'm her best friend.. and I'm leaving. I told her I'm only a phone call away. And I'll be back every now and then.
She said it wasn't the same as just coming down the street to pick me up.
She was upset because she had been working so much.

Maggie called me and needed to talk about her dad. We both have sorry fathers so it was easy to talk to her about. To understand. So she said. His girlfriend was sayin shit about her and basically told her to leave. And what not.
So I just said, it's good she went back home to someone who could support her. Physically and emotionally. Her mother is the sweetest and most loving woman I've met. Besides my own. It's good for her to be with someone who cares so much for her. To help her.

...I still have problems with forgiving her for what she did... But I'll get over it. It was 2 years ago..

Friday around 245am, the day before I was leaving for MSU, Tommy messaged me online and asked if I was home. I said yes and he asked if I wanted to go for a walk.
He was staying with his mom who lived down the road.
Mikalah told me earlier his fiance walked out on him.. leaving him in debt for the wedding.

I was nervous about it.. We havent really.. talked since back then. So I met him down the road and we talked til near 4:30. About everything. What we've been up to. and what not. It was good to see him again. And to actually talk again. We were really good friends before and while we dated.
I went back to the house, we would be getting up soon to get ready. He texted me and said he was sorry for what he had done to me those years ago. That he had been wanting to apologize to me. He said he wished he could take it all back. And I said I was sorry too. How I was incredibly insecure and overreacted.. So many people were talking back and forth.. and what not. But we had great times and I didn't regret it.
He asked if he could have a goodbye kiss.
And that really threw me off..
It's been too long since we've talked.. and as great as it was.. It would make me too uncomfortable.
I told him no.
He was like "Well I will ask for a goodbye hug, gosh darnit."
Heard my dogs barking.. And I went outside, he was at the edge of my yard and we met up and we hugged for a few good minutes. He picked me up and held me for a bit.
His last text had said "I feel this is the last time I'll ever see you"
I told him I would be back.
He said he meant.. for him. That he had been trying to go back home.
To texas.
Had nothing left keeping him here.

We've texted a bit since then. He's been drinking a lot.. and it's weird I'm sure. He still works with his ex. I hope he'll be okay.


Rennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnehhhhh. :0
hurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry :/

I gave you the world and you ran with it. For years I catch your tears. When will your hear mine over yours?

Stalled on cleaning my room by watching Style and the life story and upbringing of Destiny Hope "Miley" Cyrus. Interesting. Then Jonas Brothers.
This weekend was fun. A good distraction from reality.

Went out and hung out with Jamis this weekend. Mikalah and Corey were at his mom's, Mama and Sierra were in Poplarville. So it was Jamis, Devon, Tony and me. They came and got me after show and we chilled at their house in purvis. Talked basically. Had a bonfire. Took some crazy awesome pictures, flame tricks. Tony came over after work about 11. We all chilled and acted stupid. Corey and Mikalah came back from the movies and went straight to bed, had to leave for his mom's early in the morning. I crashed before everyone else. Next more, woke up early. Before everyone else. Chilled for a bit. Was sitting out side, looked over to see a hand sitting out mikalah's window, cigarette resting between fingers. I laugh and yell "Mornin'"
Corey jumps forward and was like "HOLY SIdjoaidm. Scared me." ": D"

we talked for a while before he went closed the window and I went inside. Said goodbye to them. Hung out with Jamis and Devon for a while. Tony took forever to wake up. He was still feeling the affects of his prior drunkardness. He was like
"Come here~" Eyes still closed and whispering.
">_> what..?"
"Come here~~~~"
"sigh."
":3"
We cuddled for a bit, he went back to sleep for a few minutes.
Devon and him ran to Hattiesburg for a while. Jamis and I cleaned up the house. They came back. We all took our share of showers and what not. Tony's shoulder was bothering him so I gave him a back rub.

Devon had to go help Jamis' grandpa haul stuff so it was Jamis Tony and I. Before we left for Hattiesburg, Tony sat there on his phone and thinking. Planning our day I guess. He's weird when he's deep in thought. Went by the theatre. He went up to the front and bought tickets, placing them face down in the wrapping of his cigarette pack. Wouldnt tell us what it was.
Ran to meet her grandma, ran all over town looking for a certain type of trim for curtains she was making for Jamis' room.
Went to the movie. I was on the edge of my seat from the beginning. That movie got me so hyped up. Beautiful ass cars, beautiful ass Vin Diesel, hot ass action scenes. BAM! I was freakin ready to GO after the movie. It woke me up big time. I wanted to party. Loud music. Lights. Dancing.

Didn't get close to that actually... Went through some stuff with mom and bout cried in the truck. I was waken up instantly from this perfect weekend. Jamis was upset about her mom who was at her boyfriends in poplarville. Wouldn't let us come pick up Sierra who was wanting to come home. So throughout the day, Jamis and I tried to get Tony to smile because he was either in a mood or in this thinking period for a long time, and now he was trying to make us smile. Or atleast one of us. I sat outside and let the cold air try to calm me down. Devon had come back by then. It was near 9 when him and Jamis left to his dads for a few minutes and pick up his crazy cousin.

Tony and I sat outside and talked for the longest time about cars and stuff. Which made me feel better. So whether he noticed or not, he did help me calm down. He was supposed to leave by 915 for the club meet. Didn't even notice it was 926 when he scaled down the steps and rushed to his truck saying he would be back afterwards. I go back inside lie down on the couch. Not but a few minutes later the gang shows up. We all start hanging out and dancing and just being silly when two more friends joined us. Olivia's friends Justice and K.P. Tony came back after the meet. Hung out and talked til about near 1am. By that time Jamis, Olivia and Justice were passed out. I said good night to the remaining party. Crashed in Mikalah's bed that night and Tony followed in hyper as can be.

"Hey there~"
"Out."
"Why :("
"I'm bout to pass out."
"Hey, can I bother you until you fall asleep?"
">_> why?"
"I'm bored :["
"whatever" crashed on the bed. He followed. My mind was ready to let go and let me sleep, but his antics to "bother me until I sleep" only led me to becoming wide awake again. We talked for a good hour or more before he was about to pass out himself. We talked about so much random stuff that I can't even remember.
I was like
"O Hell no. >/"
"...huh?"
"You freakin wake me up and then go to sleep yourself. You freakin ass I hate your guts."
"Uhn..."
">_> HEY."
"What?"
"Rub my back."
"You gonna rub mine afterwards?"
"No."
"ZzzZzzzzZzZzZzzzz"
"Ass."

Wasn't but a few minutes before I was out myself. Woke up the next morning by the sound of yelling outside. Mama and Sierra had come home. Woke up and argued with tony for a good while.
He starts it off
"Bitch"
"Ass. Why the hell do birds have to be so loud..."
"They're going BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH"
"Ass"
"Bitch"
"They're actually discussing amongst themselves about what a pussy you are."
"Bitch."
Then had some weird slap fight and finally got up.

Bug, the cute lil 11 month old that mikalah and jamis watch was already there. Devon was taking Olivia, Justice, and K.P. home and would come back to take me home. Tony left too. To go fix a transmission somewhere or something. So I got to play with Bug. Can't remember her real name but she is sooo cute. Watched some of August Rush. Devon came back, took me home. Mom was still at church. Took a shower. Chilled. Went to the store to get cleaning supplies for the car. Worked on it from 3 to about 7. Cleaned it up real good. Carpet took awhile to clean, but it's nice. It smells good.

Title is suppose to come in Monday. Getting driving privledges Friday. Not putting hopes on it. Knowing it won't happen.
I think Tony's getting a new tire for me. One of mine like. Died. Or is in process of dying.

So I kind of like him.. He's goofy. Likes cars. Knows what he's talking about when talking about cars. He's sarcastic. Actually has an arumentative side versus many guys I know. A decent one at that.

wow look at that. FandF1 is on >_> what an interesting ko-winky-dink. TIRED.

I wanna drive my freakin car.
p.s.
Vin Diesel is a hot mug.